What Not To Say To Very Large Pregnant Women

Okay, so it's official. Our son did not arrive on his due date. Womp... womp... wommmmmmpppppp....  The Big Day came and went.  That morning there were no indicators we'd see any action, and by the time the evening rolled around, that was still the case.  Let's face it, most babies don't arrive on their "due date," and that date is a guess at best.

Let me say, just for the record, that there's a lot of pressure (both physical and metaphorical) at this point in any woman's gestation for the Pregnancy Chapter to end and the New Parent Chapter to begin.

In light of unpredictable responses that could come from an overly exhausted, hormonal woman who happens to be carrying around an overgrown watermelon behind her belly button, here are a few statements you'd be wise to avoid when speaking to said woman, especially when you know that her due date exists somewhere in the past. Oh, and for the love of God DON'T SHOUT THESE STATEMENTS!

"He's over-cooked!"

"He's late!"

"You're still here?"

"It's time to induce!" 

Spoken from true experience, the statements above are altogether unhelpful.  In fact, just since D-Day came and went, I have had a variety of progesterone-poisoning-induced daydreams of pinching off noses and mouthing off in uber-extra-smart-alecky ways.

I have refrained, only by the skin of my teeth.

Additionally, here's a common courtesy that I would never have imagined should be written until having lived through this myself.  When a baby's due date has passed, it's no fun for an exhausted mommy-to-be to answer the question, "When's your baby due?"  Please take my unsolicited advice and when you see a very large pregnant woman, and don't ask for a specific date.  Consider something innocuous like, "Looks like the baby could come any day now! Hang in there!"

Here are a few things to remember:

1. At all times to be patient with the very pregnant women in your lives, and if you know what's good for you then you won't argue with her << read: ME >>. About anything. Period.  
2. She's nearing the end of the era when she can get away with anything, so give her << read: ME >> the benefit of the doubt and don't take any of her << read: MY >> snippy remarks personally. It's not about you. It's all about her << read: ME >>. Keep in mind: she's been navel-gazing for 9 << read: 10 >> months and is entirely absorbed with her baby and ready to push the kid out.

Your Last Request

We recently watched a movie that I was utterly unimpressed with. When it finally ended, I looked at the hubs and told him bluntly, "I'd like that hour and a half of my life back."

Then a couple days later I found myself thinking back to a part of the movie that sort of, kind of << okay, I'll reluctantly admit it >> stood out. The chick who plays the main female lead asks the main dude, "If you were on death row, what would you want your last meal to be?"  There's more conversation around last songs, last conversations, etc., and overall it didn't make me like the movie any more or any less.  A few days later, it did, however, give me pause to reflect.

In light of my Gestational Diabetes (GD) diagnosis << I know, I know, it sounds SO dramatic, doesn't it? >>, I reflected back on what my last meals were the Wednesday prior to "failing the test," in the words of the inexperienced nurse at the dr's office. << Reminder: an appropriate alternative to "You failed the test" would have been, "Your number was a little higher than what we were hoping for." >>  Here's how it went down.

Breakfast- We had staff meeting at The Plaid Apron, which involved a delicious breakfast of a Bacon Omelette (good for GD!) and two decadent slices of whole wheat toast with strawberry preserves (not so good for GD!).  Everything was oh, so delish, even down to the coffee.

Lunch- I met one very dear friend for some eats at a new-to-me restaurant, Chez Liberty. This is a place for real life, hard core foodies. I ordered a crab cake sandwich with french fries (not so good for GD!).  Fresh ingredients, perfect quantities- I was a happy kid.  Unbeknown to me, my sweet friend had ordered a dessert for us to share: chocolate torte with a dark chocolate ganache, served with 4 raspberries and a scoop of raspberry sorbet.

Now this baby growing inside of me has provoked just one consistent craving: fruit.  Early on it was citrus fruit, but it has transformed into a more general "colorful fruit" craving for the last couple of months, including all sorts of berries.  So for my eyes to fall upon both raspberry AND chocolate on the same plate, I'm not sure the folks at the restaurant could have found a quicker way to my heart.

We got the first round of news the next day with the possible diagnosis of Gestational Diabetes.  Since then, it's been sugar-free, low-carb for this girl.  Again, after watching this awful movie that I felt wasted my time, it did subsequently cause me to reflect on my "last meals" ... not that I'm on death row or anything.  << Let's be dramatic, but let's not be that dramatic. >>

In hindsight, I'd like to thank my boss for having a daughter and son-in-law who own a nifty little breakfast/lunch/coffee shop in town that serves such fresh and delicious local food. And I'd like to thank the Figgster for suggesting such a froo-froo lunch spot and sharing a most-decadent dessert with me.  Mighty fine way to spend my last day of "free eating" if I do say so myself.

What Not to Say to a Pregnant Woman_Part 1

Let me be clear: this is a list of what not to EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE say to a pregnant woman, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD << yes, I'm SHOUTING WHEN I'M IN ALL CAPS >>.

1. You're looking plump.
- Since when is the word "plump" complimentary? Seriously.  How about something like, "Look at your round belly!" or simply keeping your mouth shut?

2. Maybe the guys hitting on you from their passing hooptie thought you were a prostitute.
- Oh. Em. Geeeeeeeeeee.  Seriously?  What part of this comment is EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE appropriate to say to a woman, regardless of whether or not she's pregnant?  I don't have an alternative suggestion because there's just no reason to substitute something else for this. FILTERS, PEOPLE. Put your filters on when you're around hyper-sensitive, progesterone-poisoned preggsters.

3. I didn't recognize you since you've filled out.
- A kind alternative to this statement might be, "It's been a while! It's good to see you."  Do not EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE point out to a pregnant woman that she has "filled out," even when she has the sweetest little 10-fingers, 10-toes reason to have grown in the first place.  THIS IS THE ONLY TIME IN MY LIFE, PEOPLE, WHERE WE SHOULD CELEBRATE WEIGHT GAIN.  It's new life we're talking about.  I'm growing a baby. Filling out is part of the gig.  Back off.

That's all for this week. Stay tuned! I'm sure folks will continue to fuel many more parts to this particular blog topic.